


At One Ment

by Ahaviel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Forgiveness, Implied Destiel - Freeform, POV Castiel, Reconciliation, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, Yom Kippur | Atonement Day, canon-divergent, canon-verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 01:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12222885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahaviel/pseuds/Ahaviel
Summary: It's the beginning of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and Castiel is seeking forgiveness.





	At One Ment

“Sam,” Castiel said as he came into the library, “I know I have done indescribable harm to you over the years, and I have tried to do what I can to make it right, but I’m concerned I’ve done more harm than I’m unaware of. If so, please tell me so I can make amends.”

Sam stared at him from where he sat in front of his laptop. “Cas, what are you talking about?”

“I have harmed you, Sam. I wish to ask for forgiveness.”

“Uh…” Sam shook his head with a slight shrug. “We’ve been over this before. Yeah, you did some pretty awful things, but, you know, we dealt with it. You’re still family.”

“Does this mean you forgive me?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, man. I forgive you.”

Castiel nodded once, grateful. “Thank you, Sam.” He turned to leave, but Dean came into the library from the other side, a beer in one hand. “Hello, Dean. May I talk to you for a minute?”

“’Course. What’s up, Cas?”

Reasonably certain Dean was not asking what might be above them, Castiel proceeded with his initial intention. “I have tried to make amends for all I have put you through, all the ways I have harmed you, but I fear it may not be enough. And I may have hurt you even more recently. If there’s any chance at all of earning your forgiveness, please tell me what I need to do.”

“Cas… What—?” Dean looked at Sam, a questioning expression on his face.

“Don’t look at me, Dean. He asked me pretty much the same thing.”

“Where’s this comin’ from, Cas?” Dean asked in a less than gentle tone.

“Please, Dean. I want to earn your forgiveness.”

Dean looked up at the ceiling, confirming what was, in fact, up, then sat down at the table and gestured with his beer that Cas should do the same. “’Kay, I’m not sayin’ that I’m not forgiving you. Just… I thought we put this behind us: the lies and betrayals, leaving without telling us and then not even a phone call. What’s bringin’ this up again?”

Castiel wanted to explain, but the need for Dean’s forgiveness was like that one feather that was out of place, twisted just the wrong way, and he was unable to concentrate on anything else. He had to make this right. “It would be easier for me to explain if I knew how to earn your forgiveness.”

“All right.” Dean nodded once. “Well, you can start by tellin’ me what the hell’s goin’ on with you. You aren’t the asking forgiveness type. More like the do what you want and don’t give a rat’s ass if I don’t like it. So cough it up. Why the sudden interest in my forgiveness?”

After several long moments of consideration, Castiel sat down at the same table. “Tonight starts the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur—the Day of Atonement, when people seek forgiveness from one another and, traditionally, are forgiven by God for any unfulfilled vows they made to God or themselves.”

“Yeah, but Cas, you’re not Jewish,” Dean pointed out.

“I am not Christian either,” Castiel argued. “Technically, I am no religion. Religion is a human construct.”

“I think what Dean’s trying to say,” Sam broke in, “is that because you’re not Jewish, you don’t have to follow the Jewish holidays.”

“Yes, of course,” Cas said, irritable that he wasn’t getting his point across. “But the practice has value. I have harmed you both, and this holiday—and technically, the word holiday means _holy day_ , a day set apart from other days—is a reminder that I cannot take our friendship for granted. Ergo, I seek your forgiveness or at least a way of earning it.”

“Ergo?” Dean repeated, a hint of teasing in his voice.

“You know,” Sam said, “he’s kind of got a point. We’ve probably hurt each other more than we’ve hurt anyone else. And we don’t talk about it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause we already know.” Now Dean sounded irritated. “We’re family. We forgive each other. End of story.”

“Not for me, Dean,” Castiel said. “I am still learning this…new definition of family. I would be more at peace with myself if I knew that you forgave me, or if I was able to work toward that forgiveness.” He watched Dean drink more of his beer, eyeing him over the top of the bottle. “Everything I have done, I’ve done to protect you, Dean. To _not_ hurt you. And I wound up hurting you anyway.”

“Wait wait wait,” Dean held one hand up. “You’re sayin’ you want me to forgive you so you can feel better about yourself?”

Castiel let out a long breath. “I seek your forgiveness, or a path to it, so that I am no longer splintered by guilt. And so that you need no longer feel that I don’t care about the pain I’ve caused you.”

“Who says I think you don’t care about the pain you’ve caused?” Dean said.

Castiel raised an eyebrow, fairly certain the gesture would suffice.

“Fine,” Dean grumbled. “Yeah, you’ve done some shitty things. And a lot of them hurt. Mostly they hurt because I didn’t think you cared. At least…” He shrugged. “At least not the way I do.”

“When in fact, the very opposite is true, Dean. I perhaps care too much.”

Dean took another swallow of beer and was silent, his mouth moving as if he was chewing on the insides of his cheeks. “You ever listen to that mix tape?”

“I—” Castiel felt himself slump as if defeated. “No. My truck doesn’t have anything to play it on.”

Leaning back in his chair, Dean tipped the mouth of the bottle toward him. “Well, I’ll tell you what. I got something in my room that’ll play it. You come listen to it with me, ask any questions you want about the music, the lyrics, whatever, but give me your _undivided_ attention until we’ve gone through every last song, and I’ll forgive you.”

“You will?” Castiel couldn’t help but feel hope curling in his chest, a lightness creeping in through the cracks in the dark. Dean didn’t want him to _leave_ to make amends; he wanted him to spend _more_ time with him.

“Yeah, Cas. ‘Sides, I was really hopin’ you’d have listened to it already. It, uh… It kinda says some of this.”

Castiel nodded, eager to hear what Dean had recorded. “When do you wish to start this?”

Dean stood. “No time like the present.”

Giving Dean a smile, Castiel added, “You know, the word atonement originally meant to be _at one_.”

“Ew, gross,” Sam said, waving his hand at them as if to shoo them away. “Go be at one somewhere else. No! Forget I said that!” He ran his hands through his hair. “I do _not_ need to hear you guys _reconciling_. We clear on that?”

“It is also not unusual for those seeking forgiveness to moan or cry out in their eagerness,” Castiel noted as he stood.

“One more word, Cas,” Sam warned, “and you’re gonna have more to atone for.”

“C’mon,” Dean said, putting his arm over Castiel’s shoulders. “I’m liking the sound of this forgiveness thing.”

 


End file.
